Q My ex and I do not agree about who is to host our children's birthday parties. We both agree it would be nice to have one party with all the friends and family, but she insists on having them all. She tells me that I can have my own party for the kids, but if I do, the kids' relatives and friends won't want to go to two parties. The kids have asked to have 'some parties at Mom's and some at Dad's.' How can we resolve this?

A Start with rule No. 1 of good ex-etiquette, 'Put the children first,' and progress very carefully through rule No. 5, 'Don't be spiteful,' and rule No. 8, 'Use empathy when problem-solving.'

Having two separate parties is the answer if parents can't get along. But if you can, which you have implied, using the "You can just have your own party" tactic because you are unwilling to consider a middle ground seems pretty self-serving to us — especially if the kids have already said they would like "some parties at Mom's and some at Dad's."

Birthdays are huge for kids. It's really the only day that's just theirs. To turn that day into a drag because Mom and Dad can't decide who gets to host the celebration, or one parent strong-arms the other, is just plain selfish.

In this case, relying on ex-etiquette rule No. 10, "Look for the compromise," seems the most logical approach. An obvious compromise is either alternate the parties or go someplace neutral like a bowling alley or pizza parlor, split the cost and invite everyone

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because that's how your kids have expressed they want to celebrate.

For the record, we do not necessarily believe children should dictate policy. But in this case, the kids are approaching this in a more adult manner than their parents.

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at ee@bonusfamilies.com.