Q I have recently met my ex-husband's new fiancee. They plan to marry in a few months. My ex has primary custody of our daughter, age 7. I remarried a year ago. I had a first communion party at my new in-laws' house and invited my daughter's father and his fiancee. My daughter adores her, and it appears the feelings are returned. I spoke with my ex's fiancee at the party, and she was quite nice, although a bit shy, but honestly, the first meeting was a bit unnerving for us both. I would like to send her a letter thanking her for making the effort — should I? And, if the answer is yes, what should I say?

A Actually, we think it's an excellent idea to write your ex's new partner a note. It is obvious both of you are looking for a way to put your best foot forward and writing her a note is the perfect gesture to ensure continued communication.

Since your ex has primary custody, anyone he lives with will have a huge impact on your daughter. Therefore, good communication is a must if you want to stay on top of your daughter's day-to-day activities.

Easy interaction with an ex with primary custody will also ensure that you have a say in your daughter's upbringing. Alienate the parent with primary custody and it is easy to become "that other parent I see every other weekend."

In your letter, simply thank her for making the effort and say it must have been awkward meeting her partner's ex. You may even want to admit it was awkward for you, too. Tell her

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how much your daughter loves her and because of that, you look forward to working together in the future in your daughter's best interest. Thank her again for making the effort, and that's it.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to thank your new in-laws for their understanding as well. Their son married a woman with a child, and they certainly did not have to offer their home for the get-together. Kudos to you all for your unselfish attitude and following the essence of good ex-etiquette — putting the children first.

Your collective unselfish behavior will contribute to your daughter's continued positive adjustment. Plus, you are laying the groundwork to make the upcoming holidays much happier for everyone concerned. Good for you all!

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at ee@bonusfamilies.com.