Font ResizeQ. My wife and I have separated after 15 years of marriage. We have two daughters, ages 9 and 10. She keeps stressing that she wants an amicable divorce, yet I just can't do that. I can't get past the anger, resentment or hatred for her for destroying everything that my life revolved around. I just can't let it go. What do I do?
A. We have been discussing your question for days because it so clearly demonstrates the pain of divorce — and we wanted to make sure any answer we gave didn't just sound like the pat answer, 'go to counseling' — although, ultimately, that probably is the right answer because a counselor will be able to help you navigate the emotions you are feeling.
We understand it sometimes takes time to get to where you even want to feel better. In the beginning, if you feel wronged, it's not uncommon to be stuck in how wrong the other one was, and how you have a right to hate the other person.
But being right doesn't make you feel better. In fact, it probably makes you feel worse because you absolutely cannot understand how someone you loved so completely ended up being so selfish and insensitive.
Recovery after a break-up is a process, not unlike recovery from addiction. As is the case with working toward sobriety, while the decision to get clean is often empowering, the process is long and hard. Some days are good and some are bad, which is why the "one day at a time" philosophy applies so well to coping with a
One of the most important things as you go through the process is to put on a stable face for your children. This does not mean act like nothing is wrong but that you do not come off out of control. Your actions should say that they can depend on you — and their mother — and that they are safe even though you are no longer living under the same roof. Finally, when you are ready, we are confident counseling will help.
