Q My husband's parents invite his ex to all their family get-togethers, and I'm anticipating that this year I will be having a holiday dinner with my husband's ex-wife. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes the kids uncomfortable, the nieces and nephews uncomfortable and my husband uncomfortable. I have ended up crying a few times in front of some of the relatives, and it's embarrassing. No one is really being malicious; it is just a hard situation. What should I do?

A According to the rules of good ex-etiquette, the ex shouldn't be invited to every family get-together, but holidays are understandable. An important point: Your in-laws are inviting her. Obviously, she's welcome in their home, so that means the one who is the most uncomfortable with the situation is you. So, we are wondering if that is the reason everyone else feels uncomfortable, too. When someone is so upset she breaks into tears, other guests are bound to feel bad.

We know most who marry someone with children don't envision holidays with the ex, and it can be pretty disconcerting if that's what they get. And, while your unhappiness about it is understandable, we can tell you from firsthand experience, you'll have to face it because it's just the way it is.

Fallout from divorce is uncomfortable on many levels. You married a man who has been married before and with that comes an ex-wife. And extended family lives on after a divorce. Many former in-laws have told us, "We didn't divorce her (or

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him), our child did." Family ties are not easily severed, and that's the reason why some exes continue to be invited to family gatherings. What bothers many in your position is the feeling the former spouse should not be invited to special occasions out of respect for the new union. And, when they are invited, the new spouse takes it personally.

Try to keep an open mind. The best Thanksgiving we ever had was completely unexpected. It was the first Thanksgiving we spent together, and we did it as a favor to the kids. That may be something that's helpful to you — the children are the ties that bind. Put them first, then check your comfort level.

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at ee@bonusfamilies.com.