Font ResizeQ Recently, a woman wrote that her 11-year-old daughter hugged her boyfriend when she went to bed at night — and since the boyfriend has moved in, the child has stopped hugging him or even talking to him. My main concern is it appears you have no problem with the mother's boyfriend moving in when she has an 11-year-old daughter at home. Every week in the news is a case of a live-in boyfriend hurting, molesting and/or abusing a girl. What is your viewpoint on boyfriends moving in without the benefit of marriage when young girls are living at home?
A We have had quite a few readers ask us our take on living together outside of marriage recently — particularly when one or both partners have children. And it seems their desire for us to take a stand is either based on their personal religious convictions or, like this reader, they seem to imply 'the benefit of marriage' will prevent or possibly reduce molestation or abuse.
This isn't necessarily true. A 2002 study by the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System indicates more maltreatment toward children is perpetrated by biological fathers than stepfathers and live-in boyfriends combined. (For a link to the study, go to bonusfamilies.com.)
We believe the decision to marry is up to the individual. We do feel comfortable taking a stand on one aspect of living together: When kids are involved, we think it is just plain dumb to move in together "to see if it
Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at ee@bonusfamilies.com.
