Font ResizeIt's Carl Arnold's job to make sure all's fair in love and war — he's a divorce lawyer.
And he blogs about it!
Sounds juicy, huh? But the divorce attorney and family mediator of Lampe Law Group in Northfield is cautious about his online musings — the divorce and family law blog at AlwaysFamilyCenter.com is meant to be informational, not confessional. We asked him to expand on his thoughts about love lost.
Q. Divorce has dominated the tabloids recently, due to the marriage meltdown of Jon and Kate Gosselin, the parents of multiples on TLC's popular reality series "Jon & Kate Plus 8." What do you think of the estranged couple's plan to "birdnest" (the parents move in and out of the home while the kids stay put)?
A. I've seen judges say, "You move. Why should your kids move? They didn't have any part of this. It's not their fault." And I've heard of therapists promoting it because it provides more stability for the kids, and parents get a sense of what it involves to take their possessions and move from household to household.
I think this is one option parents have come up with, because parents today really want to minimize the impact of divorce on their kids.
However, it's often seen as a temporary solution while parents work out a long-term housing situation. I don't see families doing this over an extended period of time, but I do see many
Q. Has the economy affected divorce filings?
A. Anecdotally, I've heard divorce has fallen off. I was at a training session in February, and people were talking about how, after the market tanked, people were saying, "Well, we've got to figure out what's going on with our assets before we do this."
Or they've lost their jobs, or they're worried about losing their jobs, and think that getting divorced right now would rub salt in their financial wounds.
I also see a lot of people who think it's really unfair they can't continue to carry their family on their health insurance — if they have the better insurance — so they'll say, "We're not going to get divorced; we'll just live separately."
Q. What's new with the changes in how Minnesota handles child support?
A. The law changed in 2007. The biggest change that has been helpful is the perception of "custody." Before, parents would fight over the custody label — who got custody and how that related to child support. Now, it's "parenting time." Now, parents are focusing on time with their kids, rather than a legal label.
It also takes both spouses' incomes into account. If you earn twice as much, you will pay more. It didn't make any sense before. Let's say Mom worked and Dad lost his job. He was paying child support, and the calculation didn't in any way take into account Mom had always earned more than Dad. That was frustrating.
Also before, expenses were split 50-50: Say the kid went to the doctor and some of the bill was not covered. The parents would split it 50-50, regardless of who made what income. Now, in most cases, it's split proportionally.
And it used to be that whoever had primary custody of the kids, if they wanted to move out of state, it was presumed they could. The burden was on the other parent. Now, say if Mom wants to move, she is the one with the burden — she has to prove it's beneficial for the kids, which is a real difference. Judges are interpreting that in a way that's really weighted against moving and toward keeping the family connections. And even if Mom does move to another city, at least Dad is seeing the kids more frequently.
Q. From your front-row seat, why do you believe marriages fail?
A. People have this idea of what their life and marriage will be like. Then, they have kids or financial trouble or other life stressors, and they realize it's not what they expected or what they had planned.
I think mental illness has a lot to do with it. I have a view that everyone is on a spectrum of mental illness, nobody is completely free of mental illness, nobody's perfect. Life stressors trigger these things. So, someone loses their job and you could say it leads to a divorce. But the job loss is just the trigger event - that's when couples discover they can't be together or they can't handle how the other person is reacting.
Addictions, too, whether it's drinking or gambling, tend to take over the person and put their family in the back seat. The addiction is the most important thing in their life.
Q. Typically, who files first, the husband or wife?
A Women are more likely than men to start divorce proceedings. I think they're more attuned emotionally. Guys bury their heads in the sand and think it will go away.
Q. What has being a divorce attorney taught you about your own marriage?
A I've been married for 10 years this summer. We have two kids. I've learned to be really thankful for my own marriage. I've heard people say one of the most important decisions you'll ever make in your life is whom you marry, and I tend to agree.
I see people all the time, either by being unlucky or making a bad choice, choosing a partner who is never going to work out for them. Sometimes, it's just people who never should have gotten married. Other times, I see mental illness becoming an issue. Or, they just have very different views — such as who works and who doesn't — but got married anyway.
Q. Why do you blog about family law?
A. There's a popular news blog in Northfield, it's a way for people to talk about civic issues and things like that. I thought I could apply the same approach to family law, use this technology to share information and links, to point people in the right direction.
Other family law blogs I see are mostly marketing tools, and I do that, too, but I'm also trying to be as useful as possible. We're all Googling our own health problems, and we're doing that for family law issues, too — divorce and things like that. So my goal is to create a really helpful blog.
I'm not trying to re-create the wheel, I'll link to other sites. Some of the posts that are most helpful are written by Legal Aid Societies. I'll link to pamphlets they give out to their clients. It might be the basics of Minnesota divorce law or one on unmarried fathers.
Q. Isn't being a divorce attorney depressing?
A. My mom asked, "Why would you want to do that?" But my dad is a doctor, and I think, "Why would he want to be fixing someone's knife wounds at 3 a.m.?" My job is more civil than that.
This is my second career. I got a degree in economics in 1998 from St. Olaf and worked at the St. Paul Companies (now Travelers) for three years. That's where I learned I didn't like sitting in a cubicle all day, staring at a computer.
Family law is so practical. You're dealing with day-to-day issues that affect a family, and I really enjoy that, connecting with people and helping people.
People have situations in their lives that are difficult and troubling and that's why we have professions like law or medicine. You're helping people get through these times.
Being a divorce attorney is probably a lot like being a therapist who sees someone in pain: If you don't do anything, it's not going to get any better. The people I see are in unhappy marriages. By the time they come to me, they've already decided to part ways. Often, their attitude is, "OK, well, what now?"
Molly Millett can be reached at 651-228-5505.
ON MINNMOMS.COM:
Love, marriage, divorce, child custody, child support, establishing paternity, domestic violence ... if you have a question about an issue related to family law, log onto MinnMoms.com now and post it for divorce attorney and family mediator Carl Arnold. Look for his responses on the Web site on Thursday.
